Where Are All The Fat Vampires?

Ever wonder why you never see fat vampires at the movies?

courtesy of common creative

Not in the teenage vampire love stories.  Heck no. That would ruin the ratings for certain.

Not in the classic vampire movies.  Those people were pretty lean back in the 1800’s.  Even the science fiction or modern vampires stayed pretty lean. (OK, maybe that really big one in the first Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.)

Even the real crazy, ugly ones are often gaunt, stringy or ripped with sinewy muscle.  The exception being, the beautiful, but fictional, Vampirella.  But, she is from another planet, so she can live in the sunlight and avoid that scrawny, sinewy look.

When you think about the vampire’s metabolism and lifestyle, it makes perfect sense. They usually wake up famished.  So, they are fully motivated to skulk around the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. Sometimes they might use the hypnotic eyes trick to subdue some weak-willed human.  Then they sink their fangs.

Otherwise, there is a whole lot of creeping around, chasing after humans, climbing up buildings, breaking into places and dodging angry vampire-killers. And human-hunting goes on in any weather. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is actually good), thunder showers and hot, humid nights. They don’t take any breaks.  No sitting by the fireplace, watching television or hanging out at the bar (though that is a good place to find humans). And vampires cannot just pop into the convenience store for some junk food. They have to get their blood ration, go hungry or stay in hibernation.  Fat vampires were non-existent.

And they got their sleep.  There are no fat vampires or 24 hour vampires. Being hyper-sensitive to sunlight, they had to strictly work the night shift and sleep all day. So, even after the longest night of stalking and chasing prey, not to mention fighting and eluding revenge-seeking humans, the vampire still got plenty of nap time. Often more than 12 hours at a time. Exercise, eat, sleep. Three ingredients of a long life were there in the vampire lifestyle.

And you never heard of one of them eating junk food, candies, pastries or high-sugar breakfast cereals.  Or smoking cigarettes.  Or drinking pop or alcohol did you?(Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake of Fright Night did have a beer.) Nope, it was a strict diet of iron-rich blood, lots of exercise scrambling around in the dark and deep sleep. It is probably why the undead beings never had to visit the dentist or doctor.  Not unless the vampires were going for a snack.

Now I am not advocating that kind of lifestyle, especially the late nights and blood drinking. Unless you have a photophobia or condition like XP (xeroderma pigmentosum), you are going to miss out on the benefits of sunlight. Blood drinking is dangerous as the blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest.  It also contains too much iron for humans (causing haemochromatosis) which can damage the internal organs. And all of that skulking around in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe land you in jail.

But, I fully support the natural,  functional fitness exercises, deep breathing, body alignment and several other factors that the vampire lifestyle can replicate in my book: Strength-Endurance Secrets: Build an Unstoppable 2nd Wind.

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